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Dear Paris,

You know what place I just got done applying to? Hilton Hotels. Yes~ I am daydreaming about getting to meet Paris Hilton. I would be nice to her, even! Although at one point I wanted to write her a letter, something along the lines of
Dear Paris,
You will never in your lifetime even approach spending all of the money you have. I, on the other hand, have nothing compared to you. It would be very kind, and I would be very appreciative, if you funded my education from here on out. Think of it as philanthropy.


I went as far as to Google if there was a personal address at which I could reach her. Of course there's not, and one of her personal assistants would toss it, I'm sure. Dreams die hard. But yes, I applied there. Applied everywhere, I feel like, except fast food.  There is some shit I will not eat.  In so many ways.

My life has been uneventful otherwise. I am booored, I can't stand not running class to class to work to homework every day. What I am going to do soon though is research grad schools, and finalize a list so I can apply next semester. Right now I think I've got UNC at Chapel Hill, Duke, Vanderbilt, and Princeton. Maybe one or two more, maybe a couple of adjustments.

Right now I'm reading Doomsday Book by Connie Willis, fun sci-fi/fantasy about a girl time traveling to the fourteenth century. It's going very quickly and delightfully, I haven't read such a fluffy book in a long time. We are very serious scholars here >:-|

You can't go home again

but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.

Pardon my mixing metaphors. Mixing something. The last stretch of school was insanely busy, like I like it. During that madness I had the epiphany that I want to do this (well, not exactly) for the rest of my life; I love reading and writing and learning, thus I want to end up a professor of religion. The teaching is almost kind of secondary to my intentions; I'll be one of those Ivory Tower jerks who loves research and hates actually teaching classes :-p But I have this unslakeable love and passion for learning about religion, which really had been kindled under the...bellows of this semester's avalanche of work.

The last two weeks of school is not the time to be having these life crises, I have to say (I pulled that shit with Dr Roth the tail end of last semester too, so I'm bad at this). But my advisors - both of them - somehow found time in their schedules to discuss it with me. It's still an exhilarating turn of events. My parents are happy for me, I have been promised one rec letter already, lots of support from every side. I am loved and lucky.

So I got home the evening of May 4th. La Habra feels a little bit confining; my house is a bit too comfortable and juvenile. Or rather, that's how it makes me feel. But I have no idea where I'm going to be next summer, post-graduation (and hopefully, immediately pre-grad school). So I'm enjoying my summer, but with one eye (one and a half, even :-p) on next semester and...the rest of my life. I've got a couple of papers, my honors projects, that I want to get a head start on. Plus tons of books, tons to do, keeping busy. I do not have a job yet because this job market is shit, but no surprises there. Oh, how I have been aching to say terrible profane things about my lack of employment via my status on Facebook (because Facebook status makes it legit yo). However 1) potential employers check out profiles, and 2) my mom is friends with me and I want to be Good in her eyes. So I'll say it here. The job market is shit, and I am miserable and depressed about my own chances. But even more worried/sympathetic for the seniors who have just graduated out into this economy. Scary scary

I went back to TKD, which embodies the biggest change from...my former life, I guess. More MMA - not fighting stuff, but literally, some aikido and judo and whatever else our instructor feels like teaching us. Lots of lower belts, a few I hadn't met before. But it makes me happy and keeps me active and socialized. Like a dog :-p

I don't know whether I've mentioned before, but I'm reading the Bible cover to cover this year. This week was excellent; Ecclesiastes and then Song of Songs. Ecclesiastes feels so intelligent and modern. Bleak cynicism goes way back, baby~ And Song of Songs definitely wins the sexiest book of the Bible contest. My Bible...the editors do a mostly good job, but sometimes the introductions and footnotes are just ridiculous. The intro to Song of Songs explains it away blushingly as an extended metaphor of the (nonsexual, unembarrassing!) love between God and his followers. Right, right; whatever, Catholics :-p It makes for sweet love poetry. Even erotic, but definitely sweet. Definitely sexy. You'd think that a church that likes procreation So Damn Much would give a little more leeway to sex :-p

And I've been reading plenty of other stuff too, and doing other things, and being unable to obtain other jobs. But how does one write a recap for a month? I don't, that's how. I intend to start writing here again this summer though; it's good for me and I enjoy it. So, um, good to see you again, LJ

Easter Sunday

The perfect day for a resurrection of my journal. Hi LJ, how have you been?

Lent and Easter were fantastic for me this year. I feel like I grew and figured out so much about my faith during this time. I love Christianity, my church, all of the wonderful people I've met through my church, God, and the resilience that my faith gives me. I spent all of the Triduum at Mass (practically), even got to Confession. The Easter vigil was wonderful and it was really good to see all of our RCIA class received into the church

Tonight I got myself invited over to Bobbie's for dinner. There were, mm, about a dozen people? I spent most of my time with Grace. Best five year old EVER. We played hopskotch and colored and had a nice Easter dinner. Bobbie is great, so are her friends and relatives, and I was so grateful for the invitation. I was really anticipating just working on stuff today, but this was so much better. Schoolwork's for losers :-p

lol jk, it still is for losers but I am a loser :-p Twenty page paper due in a week? I'm going to slam-dunk that shit before break is over, yes. (Oh btw: my "no swearing" Lenten resolution was toast as soon as I made it :-p) I finished up a short paper, I've got an essay exam and a 5-6 page paper on a Jesus scholar both due Friday, along with Hebrew homework and the standard reading for the week.

Three more weeks until summer vacation. My internship/life is going to be a whole new can of worms. Sigh. But I am freaky busy right now, but HAPPY. Especially thrilled with what turned out to be an excellent break <3

^ Asked of me by my advisor last week, when scheduling classes. Hahaha, NOTHING. That's the beauty of it

But you know how my LJ name is Greek for "I seek"? (Of course you knew, it's right in my profile and everyone hangs on to my every word) Today we learned that in vocab in Hebrew. I seek=bikashtie. Soft 'a' like father, 'ie' is a long e. That can be my superhero alter-ego. Bikashtie!

Everything is going well. And it's such a novelty; this is the first week in a long time that I haven't had a paper/project due. So I'm working on a very stressful paper due in a month :-p But yeah, tonight I sat down and wrote down all of my papers/projects/presentations/finals through the end of the year, so now I know and can plan ahead. And can freak out anytime I want, with the help of the list taped above my head :-p Not really, I am cool as a cucumber

I still need to figure out tons of religious stuff though. Cut for a ton of textCollapse )

Happy anniversary, God <3

On the 22nd. I'm late, I know. Luckily God is an understanding and patient lover.

(Baptism/confirmation at the Easter Vigil March 22nd last year)

So now that I've cleared the one year mark and proved that I can stick to my faith like white on rice, it's time to apostatize. Whooo. lol jk, but there were times when I was really unhappy with the Catholic church and it gave me pause that if I "quit," I would have walked away after less than a year as a real Catholic.

Difficulties thus far:
1) I really hate the (absence of) role of women in the Catholic church
2) Related to the first, I just can't condemn abortion. I can't, I can't, I tried for months to convince and wheedle myself into it but I am pro-life by supporting the woman and her right to life and control over her own body
3) I figured out recently that I like being a biblical scholar, not a theologian (I may have to change my "I am a theologian" tag). All later theology and Sacred Tradition and the Catechism and just...all of it, seems so crafted by human hands. Which is okay, I guess, but not legit for finding God and really figuring things out. I don't even like John for that reason, I discount him a lot because he's too theological for my tastes :-p Anyway, Catholics like traditions and the Church Fathers and theology and other, mm, secondary material a lot. I'm becoming alarmingly sola scriptura~

Whatever, the problems that I still have with the church aren't because I'm drifting away, they're because I'm growing away. In a better understanding of where my religion comes from and what I really want of it. As long as it's not apathy, and I still have that tension and interest sustaining me, and I have the Mass and the Eucharist which I still love, I'll be okay as a Catholic

I will say that I'm writing a paper on Pharisees right now (see point 3 above), and I am so planning to watch Jesus Christ Superstar this weekend. My first and favorite gospel :-p

Times When I Won't Update My LJ (A List):

- When I am busy
- When I am not busy and have nothing to talk about (obs.)
- When I have other things going on that night
- When I really mean to but fall asleep
- When I don't want to face my fast-approaching future and stuff I have to do
- When I feel satisfied just with my journal I'm keeping IRL and don't need to write here as well
- When i just don't feel like it, gosh darn :-p

Sorry LJ. Good thing you aren't a puppy. Or a baby.

Busy busy. Where do I start? I've been the best, most diligent student ever. Church stuff has been good; I got to give an impromptu mini-press conference on atheism at our last RCIA meeting. I've had some wonderful social encounters within the past week, made a new friend and hung out with people and sustained a social life. School is school. I need to apply for internships. I need to have applied a month ago, if not more, I just don't want to deal with it so I don't and it's really just cutting off my nose to spite my face. Um. I'm reading Watchmen right now though, it's freaking brill.

Aaand at the moment (really, I just switched windows) I'm writing a paper about women in the KJV, how they choose the most biased, nasty language to write about them and try to justify our oppression. Oh, if only I had not given up swearing for Lent. :-p Check it, here's my favorite (<- questionable) example, 1 Timothy 2:12:
I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she is to keep silent.
But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

Maybe the "suffer" thing is just a funny little bit of the language of the time. But usurp? You so-and-sos, there is freaking no word in there like usurp. (I'm totally breaking out the Greek for this paper, guys :-p) Utter utter bad unfair excuse for any sort of scholarship. Or theology, really. KJV, you just fail at life.

Ah, my style is so cramped by not swearing. That's the real reason I haven't been writing :-p Anyway, it was good seeing you, LJ. I have to get back to my paper now, but we should totally hang out sometime. Do lunch!

Here comes the sun

Spring is HERE, I am delighted. Technically we've got, what, another couple of weeks? But it's warm out and we get sunshine sometimes. And I am so happy. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (so named 100% because 'they' wanted it to spell SAD. Oh yes). If so, I ought to get one of those lightboxes and sit under it, like a plant or a chicken egg, and incubate.

And it's interesting, along with this newfound delight in sunshine, I've got a lot of...unresolved nostalgia? I don't know. But I keep thinking back to the end of last year and of freshman year, of working on finals outside in the sunlight and that weird cadence of finals week where you're working on everything but you don't have to be anywhere and nothing is structured at all. And they have BBQs out on the lawn and it gets dark late and stuff. I don't want finals week, guys, I don't even want to think about it. But there's just this...longing. I don't know, it's very strange. In a good way

So we're back in classes now, I think I've waded back into things, except that Daylight Savings Time is killing me (and everyone else) a little bit. C'est la vie, my sleep schedule will even out. Anyway, Hebrew was wonderful and we talked about a bunch of stuff. Although I was sooo scared that I had (have) forgotten everything over break. Did not; just most :-p

And now I have to write a paper for History of the Book. About how women are being oppressed because of the Bible, specifically the mess that is the KJV. I think. I don't know; my topic has morphed a lot since I've been thinking about it. Haven't written a single word though :-p Hoping for divine inspiration


Oh LJ, I drank so much today. I ought to be ashamed of myself; this can only lead to addiction and leave me a stupid, shaky mess

Okay, so the substance in question was tea. But I've had pots and pots of it! I gave up coffee on Fridays during Lent, because I already abstain from meat on Fridays all year long, I think I've mentioned this before. But to...skirt this rule so flagrantly? I ought to be ashamed of myself
I'm cutting book stuff. i.e., everything.Collapse )


Ceci n'est pas une worksheet

Everything else IS. I did my taxes today :-p Worksheets and more worksheets and worksheets for worksheets. At least it's nice being poor; my taxes are pretty simple. I might even venture to call them fun (Really. But I'm the one who loves lists and organizing and cleaning and other obsessive-compulsive-ish things). And I get six - six! - dollars back from the government. I thought that nothing could be sadder than my $29 rebate last year, but I outdid myself

Other than that, it's been mellow. I finished up Chernobyl Record. It was excellent. And it's sooo cool, at one point the author mentions a satirical play called Sarcophagus, written by a citizen of the USSR in 1986 about the disaster. And I figured it would be terribly obscure, given limited interest, plus the USSR was, um, really efficient at suppressing dissenters, and Chernobyl was just one big embarrassment for them. But I checked on a whim, and not only is it still available, but our library has a copy. And I made a trip over there yesterday and now it's in my hot little hands :-p

I also read The Sibyl yesterday, by Par Lagerkvist. Underdog breakout hit of the year, I think. Just like last year I read Man in my Basement after years of letting it stagnate on my shelf. Well, I bought The Sibyl last semester at our used book store, for $.50, because I recognized the author (he wrote another book called Barabbas that I read). And it had never gotten my attention, but I figured I would read it over break because we're having a book drive after break and I didn't want to just let it go. Bad idea, I'm keeping it and the shelters we're donating to get nothing. :-p
It's about two people, a Wandering Jew and a scorned prophetess whom God impregnates, who get together and commiserate about how cruel and loveless God is. It really did shake me; I was so depressed yesterday. I know I wrote earlier about kind of liking the eschatological Jesus, and I was telling Lauren about how crucifixion is for crimes against the state so Jesus might've been a hardcore revolutionary. But deep down, I still want a nice fluffy God who is all about Love. Not the nasty capricious jerk in The Sibyl. But I can't deny that...that might have some basis in my religion, I just don't know where to fit it into my theology.

After that, after Chernobyl and anti-theism and being choked with cummings :-p, I wanted something more light-hearted. So right now I'm reading The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas. Gertrude Stein is such a character, if we ran in the same circles (and she were, you know, alive) I would locate her at parties and just listen to her the entire time. She and Alice lived such interesting lives, they knew everybody and traveled everywhere. The format of the book, as a kind of wandering memoir-ish sort thing, doesn't seem like my sort of book, but there's something strangely compelling about it

Why do I not have any sort of bibliophile icon? This is such an embarrassing post, I thought about lj-cutting all of the book stuff because there's a lot of it :-p Anyway, in the absence of an appropriate icon to go with it, I'll give you a Heffalump instead. You're welcome


Acute Radiation Stupidity

Really. I'm still reading Chernobyl Record, and it's still awesome...but it's making me paranoid. Whenever I read it for long enough, I start feeling sick to my stomach, and in my head I go, "Oh no, somebody probably thought they were being cute and ironic and irradiated this book :-(". Um, yeah. I'll try to get a grip

I finished up e.e. cummings's Complete Poetry tonight. Good stuff, but I think that 845 pages of poetry, when I don't even like poetry, miiiight have been a bit of an overdose. Even so, I did like him, especially his social commentary poems. I'm just not that into flowers and love :-p But here, I'll share one with you:

when any mortal(even the most odd)

can justify the ways of man to God
i'll think it strange that normal mortals can

not justify the ways of God to man


In other news, mm. I totally caved and filled up my whiteboard again with tasks. I was so boooored for a lot of today. It was a very alien feeling; I haven't been bored all semester :-p (Someday I'll quit complaining about my schedule. I promise) So now I have taxes and three papers to work on this week, plus as many books as I can get my hands on

And Mass was good today; we sent our baby-Catholics off to see the bishop. The Rite of Sending was so pleasant for me, I recall, because the catechumens and candidates don't actually have to say anything, they just stand there and get looked at :-p But yes, good Mass.
Today's Gospel, in fact, was Jesus' temptation as told by Mark? He gives it, like, half a paragraph :-p Anyway, Jesus admonishes everyone to "Repent, and believe in the gospel." And I like that, I was hoping against hopes that the homily was going to be all apocalyptic today like Jesus so obviously is. (PS, it wasn't. Although Father did have a matchstick's worth of hellfire for people who don't give stuff up for Lent :-p) But it made me realize that I really like Jesus the Eschatological Jew. As, mm, standard a view as that is, it's really not, since Christians nowadays are all into love and stuff. Pfft, love :-p Anyway, I...have a long way to go before I can be a good theologian. But since I came to Christianity kind of by way of secular humanism+Jesus is my boyfriend, that's quite departure, yeah?